On November 7, TTS staged “Revenge of the Cyclists” on our salty computrainers at the Y. Basically, we tossed our strength coaches, Raj and Gur, onto the computrainers because we wanted revenge for all the painful workouts they have put cyclists through. To their credit, R&G shrugged and hopped on the bikes after only a couple sips of crystal Heed and a tainted meat sandwich!

Surprisingly, according to WADA they passed all drug tests:

WADA official working with Raj and Gur's urine samples: "Those dewds are mos' def totally clean!"

So how did the wrestlers do on the bikes?

Well, each wrestler was assigned a coach to show them the ropes, and to act as their spiritual guides as they would have to ascend to the heavens and then sprint into hell. When told they had a choice between William Blackburn and Max Joly Smith, lengthy, complex negotiations began:

"I'll sell you a Joly-Smith and the blue bike for a Blackburn and a trip on the computrainer with inflated watts," said Scott. "Your lips are moving but your aura is staying perfectly still!" thought Raj. "Oh man," whispered Gur, "this crystal heed is better than the toad we lick before wrestling matches! I'm so glad our girlfriends are here because I can no longer...SOMEONE TURN THE FLORESCENT LIGHTS OFF!! I'm fine, I'm fine. I didn't say that aloud. It's all in my head, which means I'm standing inside my head looking out my eyes. Heh, I'm funny. Just keep nodding and perhaps the long-haired mop will stop talking to Raj." ©2010 JF Houpert

After negotiations, the twins hopped on the bikes and were ready to go. Raj “The Ram” Talhannnnn was gifted the blue bike and assigned Max Joly Smith as his spiritual guide. Gur “The Real Deal” Talhannnnn was tossed on the inflated watts bike and immediately told by his spiritual leader, William Blackburn, to turn the other way… and face the handlebars. So much wisdom!!

As the light softly bathes spiritual leader Blackburn, his student, now facing the right way, gulps more and more crystal heed. In the background, Daniel Gagnon places his bet. ©2010 JF Houpert

"Do not fear the sprint into hell," said the Joly One to the Ram, "for I am fat like you and the happy Buddha. I will be your heavyweight guide through the fiery descent and back up the path to victory! Can you not see the twinkie, I mean twinkle, in my eyes?!" ©2010 JF Houpert

The twins were asked to climb Camillien Houde as fast as possible, and then perform two sprints on a downhill into a 14% wall. The rider with the highest peak watts won a HUGE cash prize (more than Stephane Lebeau makes from his weekend races!! Ok, maybe not). The spiritual guides also performed a head-to-head “into the wall…winner takes all” sprint for cash. Here are the results, based on the pinpoint accuracy of the TTS bioinfomatic archival recall machine:

The Ram: 949w; The Real Deal: 1066w. Considering The Real Deal’s computrainer inflates the watts, we ran the results through our blue-bike numerology software and to our shock the genetically identical twins tied!!! It is not shocking that they tied, it is shocking that they were coached to exactly the same level of performance by their non-identical spiritual leaders!!

Speaking of spiritual leaders, The Black Burn produced 1563W; while the Joly One hit the wall at 1596W while complaining about his cleats in a smiley way.

We have video footage of the sprints but I prefer to leave you with a metaphor. Here is a video of cyclists fighting, to help you imagine fighters cycling…

About Scott Toguri McFarlane

Scott Toguri McFarlane is a former Elite racer, and the founder of Toguri Training Services. For more than a decade, his approach to training has helped aspiring professional racers, provincial team members, and recreational cyclists of all ages and ability achieve their goals, including gold medals at National and Provincial Championships.

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